[ From what little she knows about him and his position in his world she can't say that that's surprising to hear. Just because it isn't surprising however, doesn't mean that reading that doesn't make her chest tighten.
[But then, after a moment that's at least shorter than his previous pauses, but feels more like a moment of hesitation than a lengthy one of pondering consideration: ]
I don't think I'd like that. If you didn't trust me. I would rather you did.
You were right to stay when you did. I wouldn't have let anything hurt you.
[That's not what she means, and he knows it. It is what he's going to say to fill the space while he tries to figure out what else he's supposed to say to that, in addition.]
If you're testing the waters, I'll say that you wouldn't be the first I've had an...arrangement with. For things like that. I understand having a taste for it.
[He is, possibly, fucking this up. Nothing to do but keep trying, though.]
I'm not sure if that's what you're asking for. Or if you're asking for anything at all.
If you want to play games, then we can play games. But if you're serious, then be serious.
I want to know
[But the thought goes unfinished, at least for a little while, as he tries to push away instinct and compulsion in favor of something more tenuous, setting aside his own natural way of looking at the world to try to see a different one. He's not one to go looking for friends. She wants to be one of his. And he's not altogether sure how her view maps with this idea, and that's a problem.]
I don't know what you're asking. So the reason I'm not answering is because I don't want to risk being wrong.
Framing it as asking whether I want you is a touchy subject. Do you want this to be about feelings? Or do you want a transaction, however mutually beneficial?
I just want to know what's on the table. I'm asking as a...friend.
What! Who said I was playing games? You're the one that was texting cryptically before this.
[ She stares at the screen and his unfinished thought, annoyance prickling at her skin even though she knows that he's right. Playing games, dancing between the undefined spaces in-between had always been her preference. It was easier that way. It kept her unattached and by extension kept those that might want something from her or her brother at an arm's length.
But there's nothing like that here. What does he stand to gain from the youngest daughter of a noble house in a land far from here? What does he stand to gain except maybe a friend? The word stares back at her and it takes her a moment to reply. ]
Feeling as in romance? Or the general feelings of care that people usually develop when they're friends with someone?
I wouldn't know anything about that. People don't generally care about me.
[The first draft of that comment had been a little different, in truth. He'd started by writing I don't usually have friends, before turning it into I've never had friends before, before finally settling on this. Each new iteration is a little more vulnerable. Each new iteration is a little closer to pulling away the layers of obfuscation, and getting down to what she really needs to hear.]
I buy loyalty. Or trade for it. Or blackmail for it. Usually when people say they want me, what they mean is they want something I have or something I can provide.
No one enjoys being around me. I'm not being obtuse. I'm asking questions because I'm just trying to understand your perspective. It's not one I've ever experienced firsthand before.
Not even your friend here? The one you had me make something for?
[ Because what was his admission at the smoothie shop if not that? Debating the relationship status of the giftee however isn't quite the topic of conversation at hand. ]
As much of a romantic as I can be, I don't have those types of feelings for you.
[ It goes left unsaid that she thinks it would be foolish of her to develop those sorts of feelings so quickly and in a place like this. Her fate remains unknown at home and even if she knew that with certainty, the instinct to dance away from those feelings would take precedence like some kind of survival instinct. But even if they aren't talking about romantic feelings, Hilda knows in the back of her mind that if this is going to go anywhere she has to stop skirting around topics that she is so want to do. ]
But I enjoy being around you. You're kind of funny and whether or not you admit you care about those you consider yours in whatever capacity that means. I'd enjoy being around you even if you didn't buy me things for my art projects or whatever that was in the Smoked Egg. I like being your friend even if you don't think of us that way yet, and as long as you're not trying to blackmail me or take advantage of my kind, generous heart, that probably won't change.
And if this is just about the sex - I am attracted to you. And that was the case before all of that vampire business happened. ...Does that make it a little more clear?
[Not that he really wants to get into the specifics of why it's different, right now, but. There was still loyalty bought and traded there, after all; how necessary it'd been is another question entirely.]
Cards on the table: I don't want you to fall in love with me. You would wind up hurt, and I don't want that. And I don't want you to take it personally or brush it off with coy little games. If those sorts of feelings were a risk, then I would want to stop this before it ever got that far, so you wouldn't get hurt.
I know that's not very charming of me. But I'm open to a great deal more, contingent on assurances that you're not going to be in a position to get hurt.
[ She doesn't believe it's different even with the rules that they're beholden to here. But they're unpacking something else at the moment and there will be plenty of time later on to pester him about it.
And speaking of unpacking things - her initial reaction is to puff up her cheek in a huff. Being told what to do has rarely sat well with her. Growing up spoiled means that she's used to things going her way. And while that annoyance certainly lingers she realizes as she reads those words that there's care behind them. ]
First of all, it's pretty bold of you to assume that I or anyone else would fall in love with you. Second of all, you can't just tell someone not to fall in love with you. That's now how it works.
And lastly - how are you certain that you're not going to get hurt? Not by me necessarily but by anyone else in here.
[ She remembers the little boy. He sticks out all too starkly in her mind even if it's something Rufus would much rather she forget. ]
Weren't you the one who was just pushing back against my assertion that people don't care about me? Now you're offended that I assumed someone might? Make up your mind.
You said not to be cryptic. I don't know how you expect me to make it plainer. I'm not going to take a course of action that runs the risk of hurting you. If that's too cryptic, then I'm at a loss.
Ugh - you're so annoying! That's not what I was getting at at all.
I'm not upset that you're looking out for me. In fact I'm really flattered that you care that much about me at all and I don't want you to get hurt either. But there's a difference between telling me that you care and sounding like an arrogant ass while doing it!
I sound like an arrogant ass in everything that I do. Because I am one. Just like you're a high-maintenance brat who always has to have things her way. (I'm that, too, for what it's worth.)
I do like you, you know. And I liked playing with you, and I'd do it again. But like you said, you're a romantic, and mere fondness isn't an acceptable substitute for what you deserve. You do deserve someone who makes you feel as special as you are.
I wouldn't say that about someone I didn't care about.
i'm so sorry for how late this is 😠feel free to drop!!
[ Though she suspects that he does. He's admitted as much. But she feels like she has to say something even if it is incredibly weak in the face of both the truth and something incredibly sweet.
She doesn't quite know how to feel about those two things. Layer a conversation about feelings and boundaries and it's safe to say she's very much outside her comfort zone. ]
If it's worth anything, I care about you too. I consider you a friend. But I also enjoyed what we did. Given the nature of this place, it wouldn't be awful to do that again with someone that I do like but you're right in that a conversation about where we stand is important because our friendship means a lot to me.
I can't guarantee that feelings won't come up but if it looks like it's veering towards romantic ones, it would be best to stop. ...What do you think?
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no subject
[There's not a lot of people who would try to be his friend, though, are there. And yet.]
And do you still? Trust me.
no subject
She replies with no hesitation. ]
Yes.
Does that bother you?
no subject
[But then, after a moment that's at least shorter than his previous pauses, but feels more like a moment of hesitation than a lengthy one of pondering consideration: ]
I don't think I'd like that. If you didn't trust me. I would rather you did.
You were right to stay when you did. I wouldn't have let anything hurt you.
no subject
[ And because it feels like they're in this strange space of admitting things they might not otherwise normally admit - ]
There aren't many people that I would trust in a situation like that. I'm glad it was you.
[ There's another pause here, her fingers hovering over the send key before she bites the bullet before she can second guess herself. ]
And I enjoyed being with you. Like that.
no subject
[That's not what she means, and he knows it. It is what he's going to say to fill the space while he tries to figure out what else he's supposed to say to that, in addition.]
If you're testing the waters, I'll say that you wouldn't be the first I've had an...arrangement with. For things like that. I understand having a taste for it.
[He is, possibly, fucking this up. Nothing to do but keep trying, though.]
I'm not sure if that's what you're asking for. Or if you're asking for anything at all.
no subject
[ She's mostly just giving him a hard time. Mostly. She knows how this place works. ]
If I were, would you want "anything at all" with me?
no subject
I want to know
[But the thought goes unfinished, at least for a little while, as he tries to push away instinct and compulsion in favor of something more tenuous, setting aside his own natural way of looking at the world to try to see a different one. He's not one to go looking for friends. She wants to be one of his. And he's not altogether sure how her view maps with this idea, and that's a problem.]
I don't know what you're asking. So the reason I'm not answering is because I don't want to risk being wrong.
Framing it as asking whether I want you is a touchy subject. Do you want this to be about feelings? Or do you want a transaction, however mutually beneficial?
I just want to know what's on the table. I'm asking as a...friend.
no subject
[ She stares at the screen and his unfinished thought, annoyance prickling at her skin even though she knows that he's right. Playing games, dancing between the undefined spaces in-between had always been her preference. It was easier that way. It kept her unattached and by extension kept those that might want something from her or her brother at an arm's length.
But there's nothing like that here. What does he stand to gain from the youngest daughter of a noble house in a land far from here? What does he stand to gain except maybe a friend? The word stares back at her and it takes her a moment to reply. ]
Feeling as in romance? Or the general feelings of care that people usually develop when they're friends with someone?
no subject
[The first draft of that comment had been a little different, in truth. He'd started by writing I don't usually have friends, before turning it into I've never had friends before, before finally settling on this. Each new iteration is a little more vulnerable. Each new iteration is a little closer to pulling away the layers of obfuscation, and getting down to what she really needs to hear.]
I buy loyalty. Or trade for it. Or blackmail for it. Usually when people say they want me, what they mean is they want something I have or something I can provide.
No one enjoys being around me. I'm not being obtuse. I'm asking questions because I'm just trying to understand your perspective. It's not one I've ever experienced firsthand before.
no subject
Not even your friend here? The one you had me make something for?
[ Because what was his admission at the smoothie shop if not that? Debating the relationship status of the giftee however isn't quite the topic of conversation at hand. ]
As much of a romantic as I can be, I don't have those types of feelings for you.
[ It goes left unsaid that she thinks it would be foolish of her to develop those sorts of feelings so quickly and in a place like this. Her fate remains unknown at home and even if she knew that with certainty, the instinct to dance away from those feelings would take precedence like some kind of survival instinct. But even if they aren't talking about romantic feelings, Hilda knows in the back of her mind that if this is going to go anywhere she has to stop skirting around topics that she is so want to do. ]
But I enjoy being around you. You're kind of funny and whether or not you admit you care about those you consider yours in whatever capacity that means. I'd enjoy being around you even if you didn't buy me things for my art projects or whatever that was in the Smoked Egg. I like being your friend even if you don't think of us that way yet, and as long as you're not trying to blackmail me or take advantage of my kind, generous heart, that probably won't change.
And if this is just about the sex - I am attracted to you. And that was the case before all of that vampire business happened. ...Does that make it a little more clear?
no subject
[Not that he really wants to get into the specifics of why it's different, right now, but. There was still loyalty bought and traded there, after all; how necessary it'd been is another question entirely.]
Cards on the table: I don't want you to fall in love with me. You would wind up hurt, and I don't want that. And I don't want you to take it personally or brush it off with coy little games. If those sorts of feelings were a risk, then I would want to stop this before it ever got that far, so you wouldn't get hurt.
I know that's not very charming of me. But I'm open to a great deal more, contingent on assurances that you're not going to be in a position to get hurt.
no subject
And speaking of unpacking things - her initial reaction is to puff up her cheek in a huff. Being told what to do has rarely sat well with her. Growing up spoiled means that she's used to things going her way. And while that annoyance certainly lingers she realizes as she reads those words that there's care behind them. ]
First of all, it's pretty bold of you to assume that I or anyone else would fall in love with you. Second of all, you can't just tell someone not to fall in love with you. That's now how it works.
And lastly - how are you certain that you're not going to get hurt? Not by me necessarily but by anyone else in here.
[ She remembers the little boy. He sticks out all too starkly in her mind even if it's something Rufus would much rather she forget. ]
no subject
You said not to be cryptic. I don't know how you expect me to make it plainer. I'm not going to take a course of action that runs the risk of hurting you. If that's too cryptic, then I'm at a loss.
no subject
I'm not upset that you're looking out for me. In fact I'm really flattered that you care that much about me at all and I don't want you to get hurt either. But there's a difference between telling me that you care and sounding like an arrogant ass while doing it!
no subject
I do like you, you know. And I liked playing with you, and I'd do it again. But like you said, you're a romantic, and mere fondness isn't an acceptable substitute for what you deserve. You do deserve someone who makes you feel as special as you are.
I wouldn't say that about someone I didn't care about.
i'm so sorry for how late this is 😠feel free to drop!!
[ Though she suspects that he does. He's admitted as much. But she feels like she has to say something even if it is incredibly weak in the face of both the truth and something incredibly sweet.
She doesn't quite know how to feel about those two things. Layer a conversation about feelings and boundaries and it's safe to say she's very much outside her comfort zone. ]
If it's worth anything, I care about you too. I consider you a friend. But I also enjoyed what we did. Given the nature of this place, it wouldn't be awful to do that again with someone that I do like but you're right in that a conversation about where we stand is important because our friendship means a lot to me.
I can't guarantee that feelings won't come up but if it looks like it's veering towards romantic ones, it would be best to stop. ...What do you think?