I understand, although for what it's worth, it didn't read to me as calculated as it may have sounded to you.
I do care about you, and not just "sometimes." I want you to be happy. I confess there is a certain amount of calculation that goes into it for me, but it's not because I'm worried about the gift being targeted or perfect, just that I want you to like it. And I want you to think of me and to feel safe and cared for.
And... you know I know your favorite color. I also wanted you to know mine. In that way the gift is not only the sweater but also the part of me that it represents.
Maybe it's me who needs workshopping now. I don't know if I'm making sense.
Even after all this time, we're both still figuring out how the personal intersects with the professional, aren't we? Not necessarily where the lines are drawn, but more...how the dovetails fit together.
I wish that were something that went more easily both ways — the care, the safety. I'm not sure if it's that I'm competitive and it's much easier to perceive all the ways you're good at it compared to me, or if there's some other blind spot I'm working against. But you do know that I want those things for you in return, right? I do want to be that for you, just as much.
Not to sound as though I'm making our workshopping about me again. It just seemed a relevant time to point that out.
I understand you, though. I do want to know everything about you. I know what a gift that is, I do.
Yes. For a time I considered "Tseng, director of General Affairs" and "just Tseng" to be two wholly different entities. Less so lately... I find it increasingly challenging to separate my devotion to you as a man from my commitment to you as a Turk.
[ he hits send before he can second-guess his use of the word "devotion," although he suspects he's not saying anything rufus doesn't already know. ]
I do know that, and you are. Maybe that's another place where the personal and professional intersect. I don't know how to phrase it without sounding insubordinate, though.
In many ways, the things I want haven't changed. I still want to be the fulcrum to your lever and the weapon you wield against the world. I still want you to have everything you want, and I want to be a part of achieving that for you. I just think... Increasingly, I care less about what the Shinra Electric Power Company needs and more about what you need. I want to be your fulcrum. I want to be your weapon. For you, not because I'm a Turk in the Company's employ but because I'm yours.
[He's just going to sit here quietly with that "I like that" for a minute. That's nostalgic, too. The small, but deeply significant confirmations.]
I think I understand that better than you might realize. I've increasingly found myself...not thinking that I and the company are any less synonymous, but that I'm...
There is no Shinra Electric Power Company without me. Indisputably, I am the company. But I also think there is me without it. I think I myself am not certain how vast the part of me that isn't the company "is", but you're the one who makes it possible to even try to survey those bounds.
My fulcrum, my weapon...add "my theodolite" to that list.
I remember many months ago you were musing on whether you had killed what you could be in the service of what you are.
I don't think you have. I think the part of you that isn't the Company is vaster than either of us know. I'm looking forward to exploring that with you. And if what you want is to continue the work the Company is doing, I will join you, but if you decide that your future holds something different entirely then know that I will be at your side as that future comes.
At the risk of getting too deep into business on what's meant to be a festive occasion — when you and I leave the Company together, the world will be better than it was when I took it from my father. That's what I want. To leave it better than I found it.
[Of course, "better" is a relative term, and when the eye of the beholder is Rufus Shinra's...well. "Better" is a relative term, and he is the epicenter it revolves around.]
Before I forget — I'd meant to invite you to my suite. Darkstar has a gift for you, and so do I.
And...well. I can't say who it's a gift for anymore, strictly speaking, but
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I do care about you, and not just "sometimes." I want you to be happy. I confess there is a certain amount of calculation that goes into it for me, but it's not because I'm worried about the gift being targeted or perfect, just that I want you to like it. And I want you to think of me and to feel safe and cared for.
And... you know I know your favorite color. I also wanted you to know mine. In that way the gift is not only the sweater but also the part of me that it represents.
Maybe it's me who needs workshopping now. I don't know if I'm making sense.
no subject
I wish that were something that went more easily both ways — the care, the safety. I'm not sure if it's that I'm competitive and it's much easier to perceive all the ways you're good at it compared to me, or if there's some other blind spot I'm working against. But you do know that I want those things for you in return, right? I do want to be that for you, just as much.
Not to sound as though I'm making our workshopping about me again. It just seemed a relevant time to point that out.
I understand you, though. I do want to know everything about you. I know what a gift that is, I do.
no subject
[ he hits send before he can second-guess his use of the word "devotion," although he suspects he's not saying anything rufus doesn't already know. ]
I do know that, and you are. Maybe that's another place where the personal and professional intersect. I don't know how to phrase it without sounding insubordinate, though.
no subject
Would you be open to that? Just to see what happens.
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Then I would like to hear what my boyfriend Tseng thinks, and Director Tseng and "just" Tseng can both keep their mouths shut.
1/2
2/3 i was wrong
no subject
In many ways, the things I want haven't changed. I still want to be the fulcrum to your lever and the weapon you wield against the world. I still want you to have everything you want, and I want to be a part of achieving that for you. I just think... Increasingly, I care less about what the Shinra Electric Power Company needs and more about what you need. I want to be your fulcrum. I want to be your weapon. For you, not because I'm a Turk in the Company's employ but because I'm yours.
no subject
I think I understand that better than you might realize. I've increasingly found myself...not thinking that I and the company are any less synonymous, but that I'm...
There is no Shinra Electric Power Company without me. Indisputably, I am the company. But I also think there is me without it. I think I myself am not certain how vast the part of me that isn't the company "is", but you're the one who makes it possible to even try to survey those bounds.
My fulcrum, my weapon...add "my theodolite" to that list.
no subject
[ in a place of pride, right at the top. ]
I remember many months ago you were musing on whether you had killed what you could be in the service of what you are.
I don't think you have. I think the part of you that isn't the Company is vaster than either of us know. I'm looking forward to exploring that with you. And if what you want is to continue the work the Company is doing, I will join you, but if you decide that your future holds something different entirely then know that I will be at your side as that future comes.
1/2
[Of course, "better" is a relative term, and when the eye of the beholder is Rufus Shinra's...well. "Better" is a relative term, and he is the epicenter it revolves around.]
Before I forget — I'd meant to invite you to my suite. Darkstar has a gift for you, and so do I.
And...well. I can't say who it's a gift for anymore, strictly speaking, but
no subject